A Day with Katherine Reynolds Lewis

On February 12 the Glenbard Parent Series hosted a day with investigative journalist Katherine Reynolds Lewis author of the Good News About Bad Behavior : Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever-And What To Do About It.

Summary

After observing the behavior of children early in her parenting years, educator and journalist Katherine Reynolds Lewis went on a research path of her own to discover if anything has changed since “the good old days” when parents could rely on some degree of obedience and regulation of behavior. Indeed, the terrain has changed. According to statistics, 50% of children today have a mood, behavior, or substance use disorder by the time they graduate high school, resulting in what Reynolds Lewis calls a “self-regulation crisis.” Our job as parents and guardians is to help kids learn self-regulation skills through the “3 Cs: Connection, Communication, and Capability-building. In her book entitled, The Good News about Bad Behavior,” Reynolds Lewis drills down into each of these 3 Cs to give parents and educators tangible and proven practices for helping kids function effectively and independently.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis (seated)
with Kelly Hane, D41 parent

District 41 parent Kelly Hane attended the program, Why Won't Young Kids Do What You Want? and shared this takeaway:

With a change in the times we need a new strategy for discipline. The goal is to build our children's coping skills and self-regulation skills which happens through Connection (touch, play, family meetings), Communication (empathy) and Capacity. Model and verbalize your own coping skills(deep breathing, etc.). In the heat of  battle it is important to keep our own emotions in check . Make consequences related to the child’s action, reasonable in scope, that are revealed in advance, and respectful.  We want them to learn from their mistakes-the consequences are more serious as our children age.  Connect first before you correct-lead with the positive!





Click HERE to view the video 

Click HERE for Katherine Reynolds Lewis web site

Beyond the Blues: Understanding Youth Depression with Jason Washburn

On Friday, February 8, 2019 the Glenbard Parent Series hosted Jason Washburn at a presentation titled Beyond the Blues: Understanding Youth Depression.

Jason Washburn and
Carmen Teague

Glenbard South social worker Carmen Teague shared the following takeaway:

“Rates of depression are on the rise, and it is important for parents to be observant and aware of the signs of clinical depression opposed to the normal mood swings that every teen-ager experiences. Depression presents itself differently in adolescents. Persistent irritability, hopelessness, excessive worry, fatigue, loss of interests and loss of pleasure are all signs that may be cause to seek outside help. Look for a change from usual behaviors. Teen depression isn't a weakness. Intervene as soon as possible because even one episode of debilitating depression in childhood or teen years greatly increases recurrence in adulthood as well as manifestation of physical ailments. Dr. Washburn also shared information on self-harm and suicide, both concerns worthy of our attention in today’s culture. Help is available.”

Click for video of presentation

Todd Fink speaks to GPS on the power of Mindfulness

On Dec. 11 the Glenbard Parent Series hosted Behavioral health associate at Linden Oaks, Michael Todd Fink in a program titled “Inner Calm: The Science of Mindfulness”.

Parent Any Mulcare with
Todd Fink

Glenbard West parent Amy Mulcare shared the following takeaway.

Mindfulness is a skill that involves paying attention, living with intention, without judging, grounding-tuning in to the present moment. A few minutes each day, can rewire the brain to positivity and be effective in reducing stress. Being conscious of positive experiences and keeping a gratitude journal can lead to better health and happiness

Resources

YouTube of this event:  Generation Worry by Todd Fink HERE

Summary of this event HERE (pdf)

Website for Todd Fink:  https://michaeltoddfink.com/   (podcast, articles, videos)

Handout: What is mindfulness? (HERE)

GPS event on Nov 14 on The Self-Driven Child with Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson

Parent shares takeaway from "The Self-Driven Child"

William Stixrud, Teresa Johnson
and Ned Johnson

On Nov. 14, the Glenbard Parent Series hosted two events with Ned Johnson and Dr. William Stixrud, authors of "The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Confidence, Purpose and Control." Glenbard South parent Teresa Johnson shared the following takeaway: "Children need to have a sense of autonomy/ control over their lives. Help your child with informed decision making in the teen years - become a consultant. Ask, "Could I offer up some advice?" Don't work harder than your student; have them own their problems or it may weaken them. Tell them, "I love you too much to bug you about your homework". Do not do for your child what they can do for themselves. Kids need sleep, down time and consider mindfulness as a way to deal with stress. Let children experiment with failure in your safe space at home to handle future situations. Try to create a low stress home and model media management."

Resources

Video of this event with Dr. Stixrud and Ned Johnson on The Self-Driven Child (YouTube) HERE
Web site for The Self Driven Child HERE

NPR interview with Dr. William Stixrud HERE

William Stixrud and Ned Johnson discuss their book, "The Self-Driven Child, at Politics and Prose (Video) HERE

The Art of Manliness Podcast #416: The Self-Driven Child HERE

Self-Driven: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Confidence, Purpose and Control

Presented by:  Ned Johnson and Dr. William Stixrud
Wednesday, Nov. 14  12pm Marquardt District 15 Administration Center

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The secret to student success, intrinsic motivation and well-being will be presented by teen motivational coach and test-prep expert Ned Johnson and his co -author clinical neuropsychologist Dr. William Stixrud. In this groundbreaking presentation, parents will learn compassionate, concrete solutions to  deal with competitive academics, extracurriculars, and feelings of hopelessness. Educators will learn how to best instill joy in their students and the skills of self- direction.  We will discuss social media, review today's common stressors, and learn simple strategies that move children of all ages from powerlessness to purpose so they can be ready to take on new challenges on the real road to success.
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Epidemic of anxiety and depression in young people; motivational disorders; some are obsessively driven, also (not a healthy motivation); while other students think, “what’s the point of trying?”.

Young people in the early 2000’s were five times more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression than those during the Great Depression.  30% of girls diagnosed with anxiety disorder; 20% of boys.

2012-2017 dramatic spike in anxiety and unhappiness. Connected electronically ALL of the time, but have never felt MORE alone and separated than they do now.

If you have a SENSE of control over your life, you are LESS likely to be stressed.  This is the key to resilience. In order to be self-driven, you have to have ownership that this is MY LIFE.  Promoting autonomy helps with being less stressed.

If you are anxious or depressed, you feel like you have no control = stress.  Stress takes over the prefrontal cortex of your brain and because of this, you are operating on basic instincts of survival instead.

Self-Determination Theory: it is a model of intrinsic motivation.  Some students think that four years of high school is an audition for college … when it is more healthy to think of it as a period of self-development and learning which LEADS into college.

According to Self-Determination Theory, In order to have intrinsic motivation, students need three things:

Sense of Competency - Can they do it?
Relatedness - e.g. liking the teacher may help with students liking the subject
Autonomy - the idea that kids have a sense of control and they can direct their lives.  Most important piece!  This is what you want to support THE MOST.

When people are highly engaged in something, it’s high challenge but low threat.  It’s called a Flow State.  “I’m doing this because it’s really cool, not because it’s for a grade.”  It’s high energy, high focus, high engagement, high determination … and LOW STRESS.

Kids NEED to have an accurate model of WHO is responsible for WHAT.  Who is most upset that you missed an assignment (to the student): 1) Mom, 2) Dad, 3) Teacher, 4) Therapist/Tutor? … the student doesn’t even put themselves on this list.

“I love you too much to fight with you about your homework” - idea that you can be the HW consultant, but that you are not going to force a kid to do it (because you cannot force a student to do his/her homework).  You will WEAKEN a child/student if you take this job away from him/her.  It is the student’s JOB to do the work.

Don’t work harder to help your students more than they work to solve their problems.  Offer help or advice, but don’t force them. Look for buy in, such as: “Is that something you’d like advice on?” or “Is that something I can help you with?” or “May I offer you some advice?” If they say no, just say, “Oh, okay.  Let me know when you do.”  This gives them some sense of control which is necessary to be less stressed and more receptive.

Brains develop in the way that they’re used.  If a teacher/parent always does things for a child/student, the child/student never will be comfortable navigating these things on his/her own.  It is a COLOSSAL mistake to do things for a child that the child can do for themselves.

What makes someone resilient in a stressful situation is when the person is able to deal with the stressful situation on his/her own.  This also develops confidence and self-competency.

Say: “I have confidence in your ability to make decisions about your own life and make your own mistakes.”

Things work better when the people in charge are not stressed, anxious, or reacting emotionally.  There must be a non-anxious presence.  If a parent is stressed = the child is more likely to run away from the parent than seek comfort/nurturing which will result in better performance.

Really anxious parents have a hard time letting their kids be autonomous.
Students do not have any down-time considering they are surrounded by social media and the buzz of the internet/Instagram/SnapChat, etc.  They need radical down-time: when it looks like you’re doing nothing, but you’re actually doing something, such as daydreaming, meditation, and sleep. Kids need more down-time and boredom.  This helps students be LESS STRESSED, believe it or not.

Students (and adults) need MORE SLEEP.  Sleep deprivation weakens the connection between your prefrontal cortex and your amygdala (your stress response) … you feel more people are “out to get you” if you are not regulated by your brain correctly.  Rest is the basis for all activity.  The world is less scary if you are well-rested.  Performance is always higher with rest.  Hand cell phone/smartphone to parent by 8-9pm every night … cell phones should not SLEEP in the room with children (or even as an adult).  Buy kids an alarm clock instead!

Cell phone interruptions DOUBLE errors in tests/assignments.

Kids need to run their own lives in every way possible as long as they are safe.

CHORES: Parents should say- “What are some things that mom and I should pay for, and what are some things that you should earn?” Discuss that kids are part of the house, too, and need to do their part.  “What things do you think you should be responsible for?”  Have Senior students take over the last 6 months of high school and operate on their own (do their own laundry, make their own appointments, maybe cook a few meals by themselves, wake up and go to sleep on their own … kind of like a dry-run of what college will be like).

Family Tip: When Sports Aren't Fun from The Family Institute at Northwestern University

The advantages of athletics are immeasurable, and the parent role is key. Here is an interesting article for The Family Institute of Northwestern University that reminds us to really tune in and listen to our student athletes. Learn more at  'When Sports Aren't Fun".

Also, do not miss a GPS special event on Nov 14 led by a successful Washington DC  teen motivational coach and his clinical neuropsychologist co-author (Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson),  "SELF-DIRECTED CHILD: THE SCIENCE AND SENSE OF GIVING YOUR CHILD MORE CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES".   Details on this event at GlenbardGPS.org

Need insight need and advice about how to develop intrinsic motivation in your children-and the secret to their success? Join us and bring your student too.

https://www.family-institute.org/

November 2018 When Sports Aren't Fun Whether it's soccer, baseball, gymnastics or any of the sports our children participate in, we want them to enjoy athletics. We want them to have a good time pursuing the activity they love. But the joy of competitive sports — whether during elementary, high school or college years — easily dissipates when youth find themselves unduly stressed by their own perfectionism, a burdensome sense of obligation to fulfill the expectations of parents or coaches, or a loss of balance between sports and other parts of their lives. For those whose core sense of self-worth is tied to athletic success, the stakes can feel particularly high when the joy slips away. For so many reasons, youth often hide the stress and discouragement they're feeling, but here are some telltale signs to look for: chronic fatigue or chronic injuries (especially for youth who partake of multiple sports year-round).1 regular complaints about going to practice or to competitive meets sadness, discouragement or irritability as a frequent mood state infrequent expression of pleasure or satisfaction following practice or a game It's not unusual for well-intentioned parents (and coaches) to push kids so hard that our formerly sports-loving sons and daughters have lost their athletic spirit. Many don't know how to tell us when they've reached their limit, especially when they sense it's less their wish than our wish propelling them forward. Sometimes we're blinded by a belief in their "potential" and fail to hear and see their own experience of the sport, especially when their talent is undeniable. What can be gained from competitive sports is in many ways immeasurable and fuels so many parents' desire to encourage and support the pursuit: appreciating the role of practice as a precursor to mastery learning to cope with disappointment and failure learning how to accept constructive criticism setting realistic short- and long-term goals caring for both body and mind One need not be a champion to derive from athletics so many valuable life lessons. But when the telltale signs point to something awry, our devotion to athletics shouldn't blind us to what's wrong. That's when family counseling with a professional who understands the challenges of an athlete's life can make a difference. Sometimes a simple course correction will preserve a youngster's relationship with the sport they love.2 1Brenner, J. S. “Overuse injuries, overtraining, and burnout in child and adolescent athletes.” Pediatrics, 2007; 119; 1242-1245. 2Content for this Tip was provided by Ali Davis, a licensed marriage & family therapist and youth & sports specialist on the staff of The Family Institute at Northwestern University.

Former GPS speaker Christine Carter shares advice on Teen Independence

What helps and what hurts when parents aim to solve their teenager's problems. Here former GPS speaker Christine Carter highlights the work of another favorite GPS keynote Dr. Mike Riera as well as our Nov 14 GPS presenters (Self-Directed Child/The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Confidence, Purpose and Control) Ned Johnson and Dr. William Stixrud. Don't miss this special program at noon and repeated at 7pm.  Details on this upcoming event at GlenbardGPS.org

Events | Christine's Articles | About the GGSC | Greater Good Newsletter

How Independent Should Our Teenagers Be? Years ago, an educator I respect a lot warned me that my teens would fire me as their "manager" if I didn't stop being so bossy. I couldn’t imagine it. I thought that I’d always get to manage my children’s lives, at least while they were living under my roof. I should be promoted when my kids get older, I used to think, not fired. But parents who are too controlling—those who don’t step down from their manager roles—breed rebellion. Many kids with micromanaging parents will politely agree to the limits their parents set with a “yes, sir” or “yes, ma’am” attitude, but then will break those rules the first chance they get. They do this not because they are bad kids, but because they need to regain a sense of control over their own lives. Read about my struggle to hand over the decision-making reigns in the full post.

Dr. John Medina presented a program based on his Brain Rules

On October 17th, the Glenbard Parent Series hosted a health expo and program with John Medina, based on his books "Attack of the Teenage Brain" and "Brain Rules: Principles for Thriving."

John Medina and Melissa Calfo

Glenbard South parent Melissa Calfo shared this takeaway:
"It's important for parents to understand the teen brain and understand executive function (impulse/self-control). Teens stomping to their rooms and slamming the door is normal adolescent behavior. What works to improve thinking skills and mood is aerobic exercise, sleep and getting your stress under control. Emotional stability in the home is also key. Dr. Medina shared the science behind these facts, facts that apply to us all."





You will always learn at a GPS event.  Please check out Dr. John Medina's web site and many books for more information as well as parent summary notes, below.

Resources for Dr. John Medina

Brain Rules/John Medina web site HERE

Brain Rules/John Medina You Tube Videos HERE

Parent Notes on Dr. John Medina's presentation to GPS on Oct. 17

Jay Giedd - main researcher on Teen Brain Behavior
Michael Posner - main lead on Executive Function
                             - average age the brain finally matures - 24 years
                             - mental time travel - ability to evaluate levels of risk of a potential scenario and make action decisions accordingly
Average initial onset of mental health disorders - 14.1 years of age

Sleep:
It takes 96 hours (4 days) for the body to fully recover from an all nighter.
Average adult needs at least 8 hours of sleep
Average teen needs at least 9.5 hours of sleep

executive function lowers when in need of sleep, as does mood (crankiness)
Blue effect - the glow of devices tricks the brain into thinking it is daylight.
Need to disconnect from screen time at least 2 hours prior to bed.

Brain Rule: Aerobic exercise (NOT strength training) specifically boosts Executive
Function and buffers against negative effects of stress
150 minutes for 7 days = adequate, moderate aerobic exercise
(30 minutes, 5 days per week)

 Tangney - SCS (self control scale), Executive Function Scale

Mindfulness Training - 8 week Training will boost Executive Function

Parents share takeaways from 3 GPS programs at October 1 events

The Glenbard Parent Series hosted several events on October 1.  If you couldn’t make to this GPS free FAFSA completion event, don’t worry. You can attend the October 13 free event at Glenbard East, details at GlenbardGPS.org

Patrick Donohue and Jamila Clark

Glenbard South parent Jamila Clark shared the following takeaway from Patrick Donohue's presentation Five Things Successful Students Do: "The path to success is a series of ups and downs, and the parents' role is to remind kids that failings are just stops along the way. Expect three crises per school year. When things do go wrong ask, what happened? What can we learn from it? And what is the way forward?  Focus on the things we can control - attitude and effort. Students should complete 25 minutes of school work followed by 5 minutes of downtime, and encourage kids to read at least 20 minutes a day on non-school homework.  Praise effort not ability."

Lilia Medina (left) & Sara Espinosa

Glenbard East parent Lilia Medina attended the Bilingual Parent Advisory Committee (B-PAC) and
GPS-Spanish program on financial aid with Sara Espinosa of the Illinois Student Assistance Committee and shared this takeaway: "College is expensive and we need to understand the financial aid package offered by each college to determine the best fit for the family."

Carol Hart

Glenbard West parent Carol Hart shared the following takeaway from the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) Completion Assistance Workshop: "Having the ability to get one-on-one help filling for Federal Student Aid - something every senior needs to complete -- was extremely useful, as it is the form that the federal government, states, colleges and other organization use to award financial aid.

GPS will host an additional FAFSA completion workshop at 10 a.m. Saturday, Oct. 13, at Glenbard East. Learn more here.

More on Pat Donohue
Parents can help their children on the path to success by helping them realize that, rather than being linear, the path forward is a series of ups and downs. At the down points, parents’ key role is to remind kids that failings are  just stops along the way on a growth trajectory, rather than the endpoint. Parents are here to buffer kids’ tendency to feel things are worse than they actually are—failing is an event while being a failure is an identity to avoid. So, when things do go wrong, 3 questions need to be asked: What happened? What can we learn from it? And What is the way forward? Parents and kids should expect about three crises per school year and take them in stride when they happen. Let’s all focus on the things we CAN control—attitude and effort. In terms of school work, employ the Pomodoro technique that encourages 25 minutes of work followed by 5 minutes of downtime, and let’s encourage our kids to read at least 20 minutes a day on non-school work. The difference it makes in a lifetime cannot be underestimated!!

FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) web site HERE

U.S. Department of Education Parent's Guide to FAFSA  HERE

Patrick Donohue's web site HERE

The Pomodoro Technique by Francesco Cirillo web site HERE

Raising Empathetic Children

The Family Institute at Northwestern University shares tips here for raising empathetic children and sites  former GPS speaker Dr Alfie Kohl. Learn more on this topic when we hear from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson on Sept 25 and 26.

September/October 2018 Pro-social Children It ought to be easier to raise pro-social children — kids who are helpful and kind and empathic — since the impulse toward pro-social behavior is something we’re born with. Yet so many youngsters seem to miss the mark. Two aspects of how we raise our children may be getting in the way. First, competition permeates our society and our children's lives — not only on the athletic field, but in the classroom, in after-school activities and at home among siblings. We ask, "How was the test?" and they sense we’re wondering how they compare to their classmates. We shout from the sidelines at their soccer games, urging them to play hard, to win. "If children have been trained to see other people as potential rivals, obstacles to their own success," according to well-known educator Alfie Kohn, "they're less disposed to care about anyone's well-being other than their own."1 Too much emphasis on competition teaches youth to envy winners and dismiss losers as somehow unworthy — undeserving of empathy or caring. Second, we live in a culture of dangling carrots tempting us to reach for the bigger home, the fancier vacation, the newer car. Similarly, we dangle carrots in front of our children, incentivizing them on the front end to engage in pro-social behavior — "If I see you sharing your toys, I'll give you an extra treat this afternoon" — or offering rewards or praise on the back end. But research has shown that reinforcing pro-social behavior leads children to think of acts of kindness not as something intrinsically worth doing but as a way of gaining our approval and achieving a reward. Studies have shown how children of parents who dangle carrots — who routinely use material incentives — tend to lose interest in the behavior and focus instead on the prize.2 This seems particularly true when a child is naturally inclined toward the desired behavior in the first place. Are children by nature inclined toward helpfulness and caring? Infant and toddler studies answer that question with a resounding yes. Babies cry empathically at the sound of other babies in distress; at 16 months they're drawn to animated characters who help rather than characters who obstruct. Both the emphasis on competition and the dangling of rewards seem to dampen the pro-social impulse that naturally seeks expression from the earliest years of life. 1 https://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/oprah/ 2 Fabes RA, Fulse J, Eisenberg N, et al. 1989. "Effects of rewards on children's prosocial motivation: A socialization study." Developmental Psychology 25: 509-515. Interested in seeing more Tips of the Month and other resources written by researchers, educators and therapists at The Family Institute? Check Out Our Behavioral Health Resources

GPS event on Conquering the Challenges of College Costs

Assistant Superintendent for Educational Services Jeff Feucht,
 Frank Palmasani and Jeff Kernagis

On Sept. 15, the Glenbard Parent Series: (GPS) Navigating Healthy Families hosted a financial aid seminar with Frank Palmasani, author of "Right College: Right Price" leading a discussion in a program titled the Challenge of College Costs.

Glenbard West parent Jeff Kernagis shared the following takeaway: "Frank Palmasani suggested parents stay in close contact with college representatives to build credibility and a resume - it may make a difference in the financial package the school will offer.  Don't be alarmed by the sticker price of the university; costs are often flexible.

Handouts (download)

Conquering College Costs 2018-2019 (ppt)

The Planning Phase 2018-2019 (docx)

Assessing Your Yearly College Affordability 2018-2019 (docx)

College Borrowing 2018-2019 (docx)

Execution Phase 2018-2019 (docx) 

Review of Steps to Find Financial Fits 2018-2019 (docx)

Sample Family 2018-2019 Sticker price reductions 2018-2019 (docx)

Thank you page 2018 (docx)

Website for Frank Palmasani/College Countdown