Rethinking challenging kids-where there's a skill there's a way | J. Stu...

If you missed Dr. J. Stuart Albon at February's GPS events: “Rethinking Challenging Kids: Collaborative Problem Solving” and “Collaborative Problem Solving to Resolve Conflict”,  take a moment to view this TEDx video:

Published on Oct 24, 2014

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Challenging behavior exhibited by children and adolescents is a common concern and frustration for parents, teachers, and other helpers.

Parent shares takeaways from GPS event on Collaborative Problem Solving South parent Anne Bouchard with GPS guest speaker J. Stuart Ablon Glenbard South parent Anne  Bouchard shares her impressions  of last night's  (GPS)  Navigating Healthy Families program Collaborative Problem Solving to Resolve Conflict: Kids Do Well If They Can. "Kids do well if they can. If they can't, something is getting in the way. We need to figure out what so we can help."  These two sentences beautifully summarize Dr. Ablon's approach.  In his talk, he explained that it is a person's lack of skill and not a lack of will that results in challenging behavior.  Research has shown that kids who are delayed in the development of crucial skills - like flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving - have significant difficulty applying these skills when they are most needed.  When a kid (or even an adult) does not have the skills to handle a situation/expectation, challenging behavior occurs.  These lagging skills can be in any number of areas, including language and communication skills, emotion and self-regulation skills, or even social thinking skills. Once the challenging behavior occurs, you have three options: Plan A - Impose your will, Plan B - Solve the problem collaboratively, or Plan C - Drop it (for now, at least).   With Plan B the child expresses his/her concern, the parent shares his/her concern and then together they brainstorm about a solution.  Dr. Ablon discussed how the use of Plan B can not only result in problems solved, it can also enable development of the very skills that are lagging and which are at the root of the challenging behavior. We need to change our mindset about challenging behavior:  view it as you would a learning disability and then treat it as such.  Make an assessment:  when does the challenging behavior (lagging skill) occur and why (trigger/expectation)?  Once you identify which skills are lagging/insufficient, and also identify the triggers or expectations, you can respond with Plan A, B, or C. Dr. Ablon also noted that the only reliable predictor of success in helping people change is the relationship between the helper and the "helpee."  It takes empathy and understanding to make this helping relationship work.  Dr. Ablon also suggested that you tackle small problems at first.  While using Plan B isn't magical, and requires a lot of practice, the good news is that the more you employ the Plan B approach, the more skills you build.   Additionally, every time you employ Plan B, you work on and improve your own skills, too."

Mark Sterner addressed the student body of all four Glenbard High Schools and gave a presentation to parents on Feb 19 as part of Live Life Well Week

ONE MAN’S CHOICE AND CONSEQUENCE

IS A LESSON FOR US ALL

            The video is grainy and sometimes out of focus.  But it does the job. Memorializing the last time Mark Sterner would spend time laughing and enjoying his friends. Fifteen minutes after the video filming ended so did the lives of his three friends.

            In an emotionally charged GPS presentation on February 19^th at Glenbard North, Mark Sterner recounted the last night of a spring break trip to Florida. He was twenty-one, in college and enjoying a trip that millions of college students have experienced.

            Sterner and four close friends spent the week on Sanabel Island relaxing and drinking. They had rented a Towne car and even though they had been drinking at the condo where they were staying, they decided to make one last trip to a bar.

            For the last five days one guy would volunteer as the designated driver, but this was the sixth night. They had all taken their turn. So they decided that the “least drunk person” would drive. Sterner was chosen.

            On the way home the car skidded partially off of the road. Sterner tried to compensate but was going way too fast. The car careened across the median and off the road hitting a tree. All five passengers were thrown from the car.

            Adam, 22, Jim, 23, and Pete 22 were pronounced dead at the scene. Darren, 21 survived. Sterner, almost losing his life had multiple injuries and was in and out of consciousness for two weeks. They were two miles away from the condo when the accident occurred.

            Sterner’s parents stood by his hospital bedside crying as the police arrested and charged him with three counts of DUI manslaughter. Sterner faced up to 45 years in prison. The parents of his deceased friends lobbied the court for a reduced sentence. They did not want to see Sterner spend the majority of his life in prison. He wound up serving three years in a maximum-security prison fearing for his life every single day of those three years.

            For several years now Sterner has traveled the country city to city school to school to tell students, faculty and parents his story, not to preach, but simply to let them know that it isn’t always “the other guy.” If you drink and drive you risk ending up like him and his friends. And there is no prison worse than Sterner’s own mind. Every day he endures the pain of those tragic consequences. For those in his audience all we have to do is listen to learn the lesson.

Suzanne Burdett is a freelance writer and a Glenbard parent

How to Find More Than 24 Hours in a Day

"This blog from Dr Christine Carter seems like a perfect opportunity to share a JUST ADDED program to the GPS line up with you. Circle your calendar for a discussion you won't want to miss.

The Glenbard Parent Series  (GPS --Navigating Healthy
Families) presents "Overwhelmed: How to Work, Love and Play When No One Has the
Time" with bestselling author Brigid Schulte at 12:00 p.m. to 1:30p.m. on
Monday, May 11 at the Marquardt Administration Center, 1860 Glen Ellyn Rd in
Glendale Heights.

When Washington Post award-winning journalist Brigid 

Schulte, a harried mother of two, realized she was living a life of all work and
no play, she decided to find out why she felt so overwhelmed.  This lead to a
search for answers, and ultimately to her well-researched and bestselling book
"Overwhelmed.” In this important GPS discussion we will examine contemporary
scientific research on time management and learn why being overwhelmed can
physically affect the brain.  What can we learn from the latest human
performance and motivation-science to help us to make better use of each
day?

Enlivened by personal anecdotes, and humor, this program
uncovers some of the misguided beliefs that – seemingly -- have made leisure
feel like a thing of the past. Join us for this fresh perspective on a balanced life, as
we present solutions that will lead to less stress as we discover how to find
time for things that matter.

Dr. Christine Carter -  How to Find More Than 24 Hours in a Day

Is Your Phone Actually Controlling YOU?

Christine Carter, GPS speaker, writes on how social media can affect our happiness.  Read her strategies to reap the benefits of electronic connections at:



Is Your Phone Actually Controlling YOU?

Newly Added GPS Events

Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania

GPS Wed April 8 7pm 

Glenbard West auditorium, 670 Crescent Blvd Glen Ellyn  

  New York Times Columnist and Bestselling Author Frank Bruni explodes the myth that wealth and happiness hinge on acceptance by one of the most elite colleges.

Over the last few decades, Americans have turned college admissions into a terrifying and occasionally devastating process. In WHERE YOU GO IS NOT WHO YOU'LL BE, Frank Bruni explains why, giving students and their parents a new perspective on this brutal, deeply flawed competition and a path out of the anxiety that it provokes. Through statistics, surveys and the stories of hugely successful people who didn't attend the most exclusive schools, he demonstrates that many kinds of colleges—large and small—serve as ideal springboards. And he illuminates how to make the most of them. What matters in the end are a student's efforts in and out of the classroom, not the gleam of his or her diploma.

OVERWHELMED:How to Work, Love and Play When No One Has The Time

Monday, May 11 noon-1:30pm 

Marquardt Admin Center, 1869 Glen Ellyn Rd. 

Glendale Heights

Washington Post award -winning journalist Brigid Schulte, a harried mother realized she was living a life of all work and no play and decided to find out why she felt so overwhelmed.

Here is a book about modern life-a revelation of the misguided beliefs and stresses that have made leisure feel like a thing of the past and how we can find  time for it in the present.

 Participants will learn about parenting and the division of labor,why being overwhelmed physically affects the size of our brain, how school and home cultures haven't caught up with the way women live and work, and the key lessons about how to find time for the things that matter.

http://www.brigidschulte.com/ 

Thoughts on love at Valentines Day from a favorite former GPS speaker Dr Christine Carter

Three Risky Ways to Fall Deeply in Love Love comes from action, not waiting to be adored. Photo by James Marvin Phelps    Love feels magical and biological--something that just happens to us, something beyond our control. Research shows, however, that love is better thought of as behavioral--or even transactional. Yes, hormones play a role, but much more important is how we act with with the object of our affection. We do certain things, and those actions foster the emotions we associate with being in love. According to researcher Barbara Fredrickson, author of Love 2.0, we create our feelings of love, day after day. Or we don't create them, and love fades. So what actions lead to love? Here are three in honor of Valentine's Day, all based on fostering vulnerability. Before you run for the woods, hear me out. Yes, vulnerability can be uncomfortable because it involves, by definition, emotional exposure, uncertainty, and risk. But vulnerability allows trust and intimacy to develop and deepen, creating strong feelings of connection and love. Action #1: Take a risk together. Researchers think we tend to unconsciously conflate the high-arousal induced by doing something risky with the high-arousal of intense attraction--the two states feel similar. This creates a similar biochemistry and physiology as when we are first falling in love. This Valentine's Day, go straight for that adrenaline rush by doing something risky. Venture to an unknown place that feels a little daunting. Visit a karaoke bar, and actually sing. Try a new sport, one where you risk feeling silly or uncoordinated. Action #2: Get naked...emotionally. What can you reveal to your partner that he or she doesn't already know about you? Ask your date intimate questions to which you aren't sure you know the answer. We come to like people more when we engage in escalating, gradual back-and-forth "personal self-disclosure." Researchers have long been able to create profound feelings of being in love through self-disclosure (even between strangers!). Check out the 36 questions that Arthur Aron and his colleagues used to do this in the lab. And don't forget: How you respond when your partner is making him or herself vulnerable is also important. (Hint: turn off your phone and pay attention.) Action #3: Gaze into each other's eyes. Directly, for four full minutes. Set a timer. Don't talk. Breathe. Relax. This technique has been widely cited as a part of the experiment by Arthur Aron and pals--though I haven't been able to find reference to it in a published study. Still, this seems like a very solid tactic for creating feelings of intimacy and love. Stanford researcher Fred Luskin has people do this in his workshops, and it definitely creates big feelings of vulnerability. (Which is good, remember. The exposure is terrifying, but that is what we are after here.) Take Action: Choose one or more of the three actions above to do with your Valentine and then make a plan for making it happen.

 TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT MONEY

MANAGEMENT NETS BIG RETURNS

Ron Lieber at GPS event on February 4, 2015

            

Ron Lieber is on a financial mission. He wants parents to understand that teaching their children about money management is a way of giving their children the tools that will help them achieve happy, productive and successful lives.

            The Personal Finance columnist for the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and author of the new book The Opposite of Spoiled, Lieber gave a thought-provoking presentation to parents on the evening of February 4^th at Glenbard South as part of the Glenbard Parent Series.

            “Spoiled is what happens to kids. They are not born that way” says Lieber. Teaching kids about “financial literacy” makes use of essential character traits namely: prudence, curiosity, grit, generosity, modesty and perseverance.

            To train kids in financial literacy Lieber suggests that parents start by using allowance as a tool. Three categories kids should become familiar with are saving, spending and giving. Within the spending category parents need to teach their children the difference between “need” and “want.”

            Lieber suggests that parents determine a “threshold line” when determining need versus want, that amount they are willing to pay for an item. If kids want to spend above that threshold then they should be responsible for paying the difference.

            Household chores should not be a contingent of a child’s allowance. Lieber believes that kids need to understand that every family member has a duty to help maintain their home.  He also thinks it is a good idea to show your kids your household’s monthly expenses. This gives them a real sense as to how much it takes to care for a family.

            Generosity comes to children naturally at a very early age.  Having kids help determine the charities that parents give to can be very instructive and is a concrete demonstration of gratitude that kids can more easily grasp.

            Research shows that decisions about money are mostly driven by emotions not hard information. In a sense, discussions about money with your kids are discussions about their emotions. One of the most valuable lessons imparted is that of delayed gratification and teaching your children financial literacy will foster more self-reliant kids.

Suzanne Burdett is a Glenbard parent and a freelance writer

Glenbard Parent Naazish YarKhan shares an excellent
NPR podcast on the things that shape us

In "How to Become Batman," Alix and Lulu examine the surprising effect that our expectations can have on the people around us.  If we can get parents, teachers and kids to listen to this, and have a discussion, this could be the most inspiring lesson they will ever get. "How to Become Batman," impacts the way we parent, teach, the way we deal with the sick & disadvantaged, the shape our own lives can take. 

http://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/378577902/how-to-become-batman

Ron Lieber discusses book "The Opposite of Spoiled" Parent shares takeaway from GPS event, Video of the Presentation, Lieber's interviews from WGN News and WTTW Chicago Tonight

Parent Jennifer Muntz Glenbard East parent Jennifer Muntz attended last night's Glenbard Parent Series: (GPS) Navigating Healthy Families program How (and Why) To Talk to Your Kids About Money and Have Real Conversations That Imprint Good Values" with Ron Lieber. Ron Lieber  "I'm so glad I found the Glenbard Parent Series," Muntz said. "The programming is outstanding and it's a wonderful resource for the parent community.  More parents should take advantage of it."  Regarding Lieber's presentation, Muntz appreciated his advice. "He said, "Kids aren't born spoiled, they are made that way."  He talked about a lot of strategies of how to raise responsible kids focused on spending, saving and giving and ways to promote financial literacy in your home.  His perspective on allowance is that it's a teaching tool and it shouldn't be tied to chores.  Chores are a responsibility of being part of a family.  Every family member has to do chores.  Allowance, however, is a tool to teach kids how to manage money and learn about spending, saving and giving." Video of Lieber's 2/4/15 GPS presentation Links to Lieber's local news appearances: WGN Mid-day News WTTW Chicago Tonight